Keep Calm & Effy On.

Tangled as my heart is with yours, would you have me born with wooden eyes?

2012-02-06T23:44:00.000-08:00

At the end of the day, we endure much more than we think we can.

Alone, with someone, licensed, suspended, angry, happy.

No matter what, I will be alright. I just need to shut up and listen to what my gut says. And when things go wrong, there's always sarcasm and 80's music.

I guess the pills don't work & the drinks don't work. In the morning they hurt like cigarette burns.

2012-02-01T20:09:00.000-08:00

...And everything, including I, will be alright.

Hello again, Cloud Nine.

2012-01-16T21:15:00.001-08:00

I woke up alone this morning
After having slept for quite some time.
No charming prince came to break my spell,
And I was just fine.

I feel like the shadow, I don't even bother for any more than that.

2012-01-15T17:15:00.000-08:00

Alright, fuck it.

Fuck you. Fuck him. Fuck everything.

No one can love me like I can. No one can take care of me like I can. I'm done. The bitch is back.

Anger accomplishes so much more.

You always loved the colors & the details, so here's mine.

2012-01-14T02:57:00.001-08:00

I need a day to just lay around and be defeated.

And of course that day never comes when you really truly need it. Your mind drags your heart, kicking and screaming and flailing, back to where it has to be.

I really just want to protect you and let my feelings stay at bay.

2012-01-06T22:30:00.000-08:00

Oh well, c'est la vie, I guess.

I suppose sometimes we want so badly to see a sign that we start to see them too easily. I didn't know what I wanted and how badly I wanted it until it was being waved right in front of my face.

Hopefully this godpersonthingconceptwhatever that I've been praying to will look out for me. As for now, it's not the right time.

It just hurts so bad to realize it all.

Won't you come outside, love?

2012-01-01T21:59:00.000-08:00

It's amazing, the things you find when you let go and stop looking so hard.

2012 is going to be a big one for me, I can already tell.

I would like to know the pain of a broken heart, just to let me know that I can fall apart.

2011-12-05T02:14:00.000-08:00

Not waving, but drowning.

I just need to get through this week, then I can breathe and work on step four.

You'll find me in the morning, hidden within the rose.

2011-11-30T01:34:00.000-08:00

What the hell kind of sad excuse for a girl invites men she can't stand over at ungodly hours of the night, just because she's so terrified of what she'll do if she has to stay in her room alone?

There are all these big dark scary spaces within and throughout me that I can't ever seem to fill. Everyone around me is moving so fast, and I just can't keep up.

Those curly teeth, that fucking thief.

2011-11-27T01:35:00.000-08:00

You don't answer, because you know, as long as I'm still texting, I'm still there.

I can't be there for someone who isn't ever there for me. I hardly feel like I'm here for myself.

Reality's gone somewhere else. All I know is, I don't wanna be here, not for you, not for me, not at all.

2011-11-22T00:44:00.000-08:00

I drank to kill the pain, to die every
morning, then come alive again. With shots,
I felt pretty, and when I felt it I
looked it, and pretty girls don’t have to pay
for their shit. Or at least that’s what was said
by the guys who wanted between my thighs.
At the end of the night, I moved on as
time stood still, covered in their filth, and my
lies. I drank vodka to kill the pain, and
then It was taken away. Now what? No
pain, no gain? I hurt, but I exist, a
mere plain Jane.

You are the blood flow, baby, lovely blood flow.

2011-11-08T00:34:00.000-08:00

It is so hard just to let go and trust that whatever is meant to be will be. It's difficult to believe that nothing good will slip away.

I want so badly to throw myself at his mercy and beg for him to see me, just so I can rush the process. Just so I can make sure I don't have any real feelings for him anymore. I'm even more scared that I do, and that he'll just fade away, and I'll completely miss out, and then I'll fade away too.

I have to let go and trust that whatever it is that I'm praying to all the time will take care of me. If anyone wants me, they'll find me.

We can't fly or kiss the sky.

2011-11-06T01:33:00.000-07:00

I can't see my future. I really have no idea what I want to do with my life. I never have.

When I was little, instead of playing doctor or teacher or movie star, I played princess. All I wanted to do was meet a prince and wear a tiara and nice clothes and live in a castle.

Is it too late to change my major to princess? Is that so unrealistic?

But the girl on the car in the parking lot says, "Man, you should try to take a shot."

2011-11-01T23:57:00.000-07:00

"You are a spec on a spec on a spec on a seed on a dandelion in a field full of dandelions. The universe is enormous and it could cave in at any second and nothing you will ever do will ever matter. Stop dwelling and stressing and whining about stupid shit, because none of it matters, and it never will. Live it up and be happy just to be existent."

Why can't I just go back to that time? Can I please just undo the last 6 months or so?

Please.

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep, stuck in reverse.

2011-10-30T00:11:00.001-07:00

I'm losing everything. Everything is falling apart. I'm falling apart. People can't even see me anymore. I wish I couldn't see me anymore.

Nothing in my head makes sense. I'm so mad at the way things just are. I want someone to see me. I want someone to help. I want to be able to help myself.

Everything is in fragments. I just can't hold it together. I can't make anyone see me.

If you wanna bury me, might as well you bury me here, dear.

2011-10-25T00:04:00.001-07:00

At first when I heard the news I was so happy. I'm not the only one taking ten thousand epic karmic ass whoopings.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm scared.

He has a knack for moving in when I'm at my weakest, and I don't think I have ever felt weaker than I have in the last couple of months. I'm doing things to make myself stronger, and the decisions I make take extreme amounts of courage and strength, but I'm still barely keeping it together.

One day at a time...

Been a fool for weeks because my heart stands for nothing & your soul's too weak.

2011-10-24T00:11:00.000-07:00

Most of your friends disappear when you sober up.

Keep looking out for number one. You're all you've got.

Passed out in the gutter, worn out in your head.

2011-09-02T01:13:00.000-07:00

The evil of one is the happiness of others.

Why can't I be on the happiness side of it? I'm too young. It's not fair.

We're set to be dead men whenever, to leave here tetherless.

2011-08-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

By no means am I trying to say that I'm the first and only person in the history of everything ever to feel this way, but I wish I knew somebody who understood it.

This golden glow is not happiness, it's the dust that you kicked in my face before saying good bye.

2011-08-02T23:47:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to be anything but flying solo anymore.

Things are about to get immensely complex, mostly because I'm too stubborn to stick my hands out and let someone grab them.

Let's join forces, we've got our guns & horses.

2011-07-23T06:13:00.001-07:00

I'm tired of it. Two nights in a row of seeing him with girls, affectionate with them in public, and wondering, why not me?

I know my worth. I know he doesn't deserve it, I just wish he did. I wish someone did.

Eh, the only time my lip quivers is when I'm taking a shot of vodka.

Run along, fool.

2011-07-15T02:52:00.001-07:00

Why is it that "help" is the hardest word in the english language to say?

I really don't like your skinny jeans, so take them off for me.

2011-07-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

You can't force people to be deserving of what you have to offer.

You just can't. It's exhausting to try.

Banana slugs do their yin yang thing, a hermaphroditic little fling.

2011-07-07T01:46:00.000-07:00

I need to confide in someone who could give a shit less, just for a moment.

I need to blurt one tiny little thing out.

Or, one tiny little thing in words, but I know the hard reality of it has changed who I am for good. I can't breathe, I can't stand another second of acting like nothing ever happened. I need to let it out, but I hate to burden anyone else with it. I just need it out.

You know I'm not around because of you.

2011-06-12T19:36:00.000-07:00

Never announce a disappearing act before you pull one. Just leave. Come back around, looking gorgeous as ever, and showing off all the personality traits that they thought you didn't have, which caused you to disappear in the first place.

If they don't notice, if they didn't miss you, then you don't need 'em. Leave them behind and just be happy that you are now better and more independent than ever.

I'm up in the woods, I'm down on my mind.

2011-06-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

My head hurts from a knot on the back of it, my feet hurt from walking towards nothing for what seems like forever, my body feels worn down from lack of rest. Faith's gone, what's left is Effy, or the remains of a girl who once held so much potential and promise.

And yet, she feels just fine. Where the fuck is the optimism coming from?

Thank god for vodka.

Like a shotgun, I can't be outdone. I'm your prostitute. You gon' get some.

2011-06-04T11:41:00.001-07:00

You say you don't have feelings.

I find it impossible to believe, because I am losing my feelings. My molecules and emotions and sentiments are all floating around me, and I try to reach out and grab them and push them back in, but they just float right back out. I take horrible risks and make poor decisions to try to feel something, but it just makes me more numb.

I don't think you don't have feelings. I think you were hurt and you pretend and try as hard as you can not to feel, but you still do, and it pisses you off.

And then you call me young, because you don't know how I have lived my life or what I've seen and endured. You and your friends try to act young, possibly because you have gone through too much, and you wish you could be my age, only having gone through what a girl my age should have gone through by now, nothing more, nothing less.

We should be envious of each other. We play games to hide it.

Broken dreams were breaking me.

2011-05-31T22:31:00.000-07:00

Alright, I'll admit it. I'm a little scared.

I keep telling myself, chill, things will be alright.

But really, what if they're not?

I've made a really big bad decision to mask the fact that a couple of small things are falling apart, and I fear that I may be paying for it for a humongously long time. Alone.

I feel happy, I feel fine, but it feels like I shouldn't feel that way.

I will never know, 'cause you will never show. Come on & love me now.

2011-05-30T06:12:00.000-07:00

I think you can smell a really bad mistake when you make one.

I reek of mistake. Even I can't stand my own stench.

It'll all be alright, Effy, Sunshine.

We get together, oh, we get together. But separate's always better when there's feelings involved.

2011-05-22T19:58:00.001-07:00

"I mean, if you're gonna hit it and quit it, you hit it and quit it. You don't spend two or three hours talking to and getting to know it, hit it, let it stay the night, quit it, then continue to talk to it."

"Well, don't refer to yourself as it."

Just goes to show how far I have not come.

But her mind aches, & her heart breaks, 'cause she's silly.

2011-05-18T00:47:00.000-07:00

Walk of shame after walk of shame after walk of shame.

I want this new guy. I always get what I want. What I don't get is to keep it.

So I stay as I am, adventure after adventure, drink after drink, friend after friend, man after man, party after party. I keep on as though I don't want him so incredibly much. I've forgotten how hard it is to avoid disappointment.

Don't get me wrong. I'm as happy as a clam. I'd just like for it to stay that way.

She broke down & let me in.

2011-05-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

You, being incredibly adorable, yet unattainable, asked me, if I could do anything over, what would it be.

Well, I don't believe in regrets, but I guess I would have followed my instincts and not gone out with him.

A couple days later I thought of a better answer.

I don't regret that at all, it made me who I am.

If I had to admit to regretting something, I would say the night that I dodged what would have been my first kiss. And not long after, we weren't speaking, and then he was dead. I would give anything to know for sure that he forgave me, wherever he is.

I'd let you know that I want to change my answer, but, what's the point.

What is lost might come back, only in vicious thoughts around your head.

2011-05-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.

But the damage is done.

2011-05-03T12:43:00.000-07:00

Don't hate the player, hate the game. It's a dog eat dog world. It's slim pickings out there. All's fair in love and war. Insert more cliches that make me seem like less of a rat here.

Blahblablah. I look out for Effy and only Effy.

I will do whatever it takes to set my heart free.

2011-04-29T00:19:00.000-07:00

I hate the things that you see that make you wish you had a really great guy.

But you know what I just realized about my current lifestyle?

I have lots of really great guys. All the time. They're just not mine to keep.

And I am far from theirs.

Let me loose, let me fall. They'll understand.

2011-04-13T20:22:00.001-07:00

I am incredibly strong. But it feels like someone scraped through my tough stubborn flesh, tore through my thick muscles, shattered through my rock hard bones, and pulled out the gigantic strong heavy heart that was throbbing inside of me, just to put it in front of my face and show me that it does exist.

Just for tonight, I need to be weak. I wish I could stop kicking myself for it.

Oh, when things go wrong, you'll find you're a bleeder.

2011-04-13T19:26:00.000-07:00

I have proven my theory. They ALWAYS come back.

But do they ever stick around?

Never.

I'm trying really hard to act like it doesn't affect me. The universe is huge and we are all insignificant invisible specs, and he is nothing but another spec, like me. Just play it off like it was another meaningless, emotionless, rebellious one night stand... you'll get through it.

After all this change, after the great mood I've been in lately, it's really tough to admit to myself that it's okay to be sad sometimes.

Hey Vodka, baby, what's up?

I hate sleeping alone.

2011-04-11T22:09:00.000-07:00

Liquid courage.

Liquidcourageliquidcourage.

I never find out til I'm head over heels.

2011-04-05T23:25:00.000-07:00

I FOUND THAT FUCKING SPOT. The one where we used to sit, above the tunnels above the freeway. I found it all by my goddamned self with a box of wine. And then I drunkenly, partially possibly psychotically, drove past your mom's house. And your car was there, thus proving you are not sleeping in it. Therefore, I AM A BIGGER FUCKING HARDASS THAN YOU!

Some may call this a breaking point, but,

VIVA LA EFFY GODDAMN FUCKING TRUE!

What keeps me alive is the green in her eyes & the sweet distant drone of her voice on the phone.

2011-04-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

Don't think about it. If you think about it, you'll over think it.

(I missed him terribly.)

Oh, the art of not caring.

I am still living with your ghost, lonely & dreaming of the west coast.

2011-04-03T03:47:00.000-07:00

Broke my nose yesterday. Watching two babies with a swollen and sore face. The one year old kicked and screamed her head off when I tried to put her to bed, the two month old had a night terror and kicked the crap out of me four hours after I had fallen asleep.

When Hanna asked me how I'm so good with babies, I think it's simple. The whole world is garbage, and they're so pure and sweet and unknowing of what's to come. You have to treat them good, cuz it gets scary later on. You can't look at a happy baby and be upset, they're one of the few very good things left.

Eh, weekends like this one will pass. By next weekend, I'll be rocking a new tattoo or two better than he ever could. Damn, I'm tired.

It's a choppy and weird post, but I make no apologies.

It's not an accident, you meant to touch me.

2011-03-28T21:57:00.001-07:00

When we were young, there was just so much build up for a kiss. And every single one meant this huge deal. It always led to this larger than life, intangible thing. One little kiss represented so much.

Now it's nothing. A guy can kiss you without even really knowing your name, hold you, touch you, fuck you, sleep in your bed, or not, and be gone. Just like that. You have to be willing to let that moment come and go, and just be gone forever, because if you try to hold onto it, if you try to hold onto him, even for a second, your heart will shatter. Something that should mean so much, that meant so much when we were young, now means as much as it would mean if it had never happened.

The saddest part about it is, we're still young.

It takes a hell of a lot of strength to let go, and to just leave your hands open from that point on.

I don't want to close my hands just yet, but one day I will. Is it always gonna be like this?

Keep calm and Effy on.

Sleep don't visit, so I choke on sun & the days blur into one.

2011-03-20T22:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like I just have to keep changing.

Like when you first get dumped, and you liked the guy so so much, and you want to turn into someone that whenever he sees you again (and of course he never does), he spends the rest of his life in agony over what he missed out on (which also never actually happens).

But it's not for the sake of a guy. It's not because I'm uncomfortable as I am. I just feel the need to keep making changes. I change frequently, I rebel, I do whatever I feel is necessary. This is how I get my kicks, nothing else interests me.

This is it. I am never the same person two weeks in a row.

Welcome home, Sunshine.

You've got a nerve to be asking a favor.

2011-03-17T23:50:00.000-07:00

I wonder, sometimes, if he still reads this.

Wasted energy, wasted thoughts. Wasted energy on wasted thoughts.

Sometimes, it is terrifying how content I am being so selfish and so isolated lately. But I love it. I don't do a damn thing I don't want to do, and I do everything I do want to do. And everyone knows it. "That's Effy, she does whatever the hell she wants, leave her alone, she's not interested in anyone or anything."

And in that sense, I miss him. I'd like to see him try to hurt me now.

Fly away, little hummingbird.

2011-03-06T22:52:00.000-08:00

I remember spending an entire week deciding on an outfit, devising a plan, practicing my lines, thinking about him nonstop.

Now, I make plans at the last minute, I throw on whatever the fuck I have around that's clean, and I just sit there, being Effy.

It took seven years to get that kiss.

If only I had done that in the first place. But then again, now I don't really care if he likes me or not. Back then, I really wanted him to. But this, this is good. It's slow. It doesn't matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop. I'm doing my own Effy thing regardless.

Life is nice. It's like a big weight has been lifted. All of a sudden, I have gas in the truck, I have my own plans, I have time to do the things that are important to me, I can make purchases without worrying, "Is she gonna wanna borrow this? Is she gonna think I copied her? Is she gonna bitch about it?", I don't have to feel so competitive for attention, I can color my hair whatever the fuck color I want, I don't have to bite my tongue about people I can't stand, etc.

I'm losing weight, my hair is finally growing, I don't feel the nagging need to have a guy around. This is it. Just being is fun.

I'm Effy fucking True. Who the fuck are you?

You lie all the time & you still get by.

2011-03-01T21:33:00.000-08:00

In my Eng 416 class we read this book about this guy who stayed up for 6 days straight. Then he crashed and didn't wake up for 200 years. When he woke up, the world belonged to him and everything was all corrupt and horrible and everyone was out to get him.

I feel like that book gave me an irrational fear of sleeping forever.

We also read BLAST, a magazine type thing published just after the victorian era with a hot pink cover where the authors blessed the things they liked and totally tore the fuck apart the things they didn't. It was totally punk rock before its time.

Now that I'm thinking about it, one probably has to be pretty god damn impactful to deserve getting BLASTed. I look down upon them as I accept the compliment with a huge smile on my face.

I regret nothing. I stood up for myself. I spoke the truth, and had it been anything less than the truth, there would have been no reaction at all. I'm too grown up to get all freaked the fuck out over a buncha people blasting me over what is just hearsay. they don't know me, I do.

So, I learned a lesson about the people who I expected a lot more out of, and I'm incredibly proud of the people who rose above it. I'm a lot stronger than that, and it takes a shit ton more to take me down. I look forward to a fresh start with people who don't behave like a clique of spoiled bitchy 14 year old girls with no futures.

That ain't me, thank god.

One spliff a day keep the evil away.

2011-02-25T00:55:00.000-08:00

I'm having one of those summer camp moments where you realize you hate this place, you hate all the campers and the counsellors, and you just really really wanna forget about the whole thing and go home...

I have no home...

I have no home.

I know it's above you, I know it's below me.

2011-01-24T12:55:00.000-08:00

I know talk is cheap and whatnot, but

I just really really really don't feel like hopping back on the horse. The dating horse, the school horse, no horse.

When I need your body close, I burn up in smoke, & I swore I'd keep waiting.

2010-12-13T04:06:00.000-08:00

Winter was always our best season...

Almost exactly one year ago, we met. It's hard to spend time with you, and get along with you, and not miss you. Especially while I'm missing him, the one good guy, so so much.

Look at me, I'm a mess. I'm getting my hims and hes and yous all mixed up.

It's time to fly off to the border.

Cigarettes & lies. I am a child, it's too soon.

2010-11-15T16:18:00.001-08:00

I keep trying to forget you, to forget that I'm hurt. I keep trying to move on. It's like my body's breaking down and pulling me back.

All I've wanted to do today was sleep. Sharp pain when I breathe. Guess I'll call a doctor tomorrow.

By blood & by me, you walk like a thief.

2010-11-01T00:06:00.001-07:00

I can do it all by myself.

All the things I wanted to do, all the things you said you'd teach me, all the things we were going to do together, I can do them alone, I can do them without anyone's help, I can do them better.

I'm walking around, confident as ever, looking cute as hell, dancing to some cool music with good friends, FUCK IT written on my knuckles, cursing like a sailor, flipping off whoever I want to, I do what I want for me and only me.

It's a sweet, wonderful, rebellious and liberating anger. Nothing matters anymore, and I don't care what they think. I feel so punk rock and alive.

But, in the wee hours of the morning, I hop in my car, drive home alone, think about how fun that was, and how I wish you could have been there. I climb into bed, and push a pillow to my back where you used to sleep sometimes, and I miss you so much I can't even cry about it.

I think about you, and how you were with me, and how she's probably getting treated so much better, which says a lot, because you didn't even treat me all that bad. I think about how I hope it doesn't last, because she's nothing compared to me, especially the new me. I think about the changes I've made, and how much you'd like to be with the new bad ass don't give a fuck version of me.

Whatever, the world isn't gonna stop turning because I've got a broken heart, so I may as well just keep on keeping on.

2010-10-26T02:03:00.001-07:00

P.S.

Fuck you as well, Hangover. We'll discuss this in the morning.

FUCKING FUCK.

Miss Almost. Miss Maybe. Miss Halfway.

2010-10-26T01:49:00.000-07:00

Then comes the self destruction.

Fuck you. Fuck her. Fuck it.

It's a pattern. I'll disappear, this one won't work out. I'm something wonderful, something worth having, something you're sure to be missing. We'll see what happens until then.

I'm tired of it all. I just need a moment to just exist.

Just save your words & I'll fade away now. Give me a match & I'll burn it all down.

2010-10-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

There's this ongoing list of things I wanna say to you.

1. I get the feeling that if I were to disappear and stop talking to you, you'd never notice, and I'd lose you completely. That terrifies me.
2. I think you're already looking at seeing other girls. If that's the case, I'm going to be so completely torn to shreds. You don't go feeding me some garbage that you can't be with me because you just don't have the time for a relationship and you just need to work on yourself and our time will come later, then turn right around and find someone else. Just be honest.
3. Seeing you, talking to you, never getting a kiss or a kind look or a "Night sunshine.", it wears me out completely. I don't think I'm strong enough to do it. Paranoia's already kicking in.
4. I throw my entire heart into everyone that I care about, so yes, in just 2 months, I already loved you. You should feel fucking honored. I'm a great girl. I'm adorable as fuck, I'm sweet, I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm going places, I'm adventurous, I'm giving, and then some. I deserve a chance. I miss you, I love you, I care about you, I can't even cry or be upset about you ending it just because you're not a bad guy at all. And you, you act like you don't care about me in even the smallest sense. It hurts me so much to have to see you knowing all this, and you say you don't mind it. Then it hurts even more. I can't just flip a switch and move on.

So I can't. I just can't. I think I need to pull a disappearing act, and while I recover alone, just wish and hope and pray that you'll think of me, and you'll miss me, and you'll want me.

I can't read the fucking future, but I know enough to know that when something's good for you, you hold onto it, tight, and you don't let go.

I used to be a sweetheart, I used to be alright.

2010-10-16T22:36:00.000-07:00

I'm laying on the carpet, and my molecules, little bits and pieces of me, are just floating away from me.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

Push them back in or let me go.

Is it so wrong to want it? Something worth fighting for, crossing mountains for, something so strong and romantic and beautiful that you'd swear you could reach out and squeeze it? Is it so wrong to show hurt when you push your whole heart into something that won't push back?

Why is it so hard for me to just relax and let go and trust that things will be okay and take the ride?

For all we have, what's holding us back?

2010-10-07T00:57:00.000-07:00

Smushed pennies on railroad tracks, drinking and listening to you play guitar above the freeway, you snap a picture of us with a disposable camera, my face covered in tears. You kiss me on the lips, then the nose, and call me sunshine at the end of the night.

It's good for me. Don't slip away, please.

Maybe I love you, maybe I just like the sound.

2010-10-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can't breathe, sometimes I want to vomit, sometimes I want to scream, sometimes I just feel numb.

Sometimes it's all of those.

I hate being able to predict guys as well as I do. I hate feeling so strongly about someone who isn't as smitten with me.

...It's been a while since I've laid on a cold floor and stared at a ceiling. Once you've stumbled into the rabbit hole, there's really no turning back.

Ain't nothing wrong with a little bit of trouble.

2010-09-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

You, and me, and chaos makes three.

I can deal. I can hang in there. All things aside, it's perfect. I start to feel it, I start to wonder if he feels it too.

"Take the dive.", he says. I can't. Not yet. But he does bring out a brand new side of me that wants to.

Good bye, All Of That.

For the love you bring won't mean a thing unless you sing.

2010-08-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

It amazes me how one person can come completely out of nowhere, fall into your lap, and suddenly most things fall into place, and the things that don't become easier to deal with.

Adventure, excitement, romance, laughter. That's what I'm all for.

I wanna be where the boys are. I wanna fight how the boys fight. I wanna love how the boys love.

2010-08-08T03:16:00.000-07:00

Ah, content.

The calm after/before the storm.

This feeling is too good to be true.

I'm sick of laying down alone with this fever.

2010-07-28T23:39:00.000-07:00

Finding all this out now is like falling in love with you just to have you gradually get meaner and dump me out of nowhere all over again.

I miss you... who you were... who I thought you were... who you were pretending to be... whoever the hell it was, so much. Still.

I feel sick to my stomach all the time. I wish I could forget you.

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air.

2010-07-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

Cry a river, build a bridge, and ~~get over it~~ set it on fire.

It's just my patience that keeps me alive, just like all those pretty lights.

2010-07-12T21:49:00.001-07:00

I'm glad you're finally here.

And while I don't know where it will go, I don't much care, because your arms feel as good as I'd hoped.

I felt better than I have in months.

My young bride, why aren't you keeping with you all the ones who really love you?

2010-07-05T06:18:00.001-07:00

You've got me right where you want me.

Which means it's time to take a step to the side.

I'm not even upset. Or hurt. Or feeling the extreme need to have your body laying next to me in my bed. I'm just over it. The old you is in there somewhere, but he's never coming out. And the new you is so beneath me.

I'll disappear. I'll be gone, and you'll miss me, and you'll be back around. We'll see what happens then.

Good riddance, for now.

I've waited for the dawn & I've waited for the day.

2010-06-27T23:43:00.000-07:00

Heartache.

This world reeks of it.

All my jeans are torn from begging on my knees, in front of you.

2010-06-25T00:10:00.000-07:00

What calamity have I gotten myself into now? Why oh why did I let him in?

I think Cummings said it best...

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

At least for once, I'm not the villain.

This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof.

2010-06-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

Ohhhh, no no no no.

You do not get to talk down to me, and yell at me, and boss me around, and break my heart again. You especially don't get to drop into my life and create a mess like this.

Just wait 'til you see my disappearing act.

"Don't drop anchor here."

I feel I'm knocking on heaven's door.

2010-06-20T20:57:00.001-07:00

It's his body, but it's not him.

Came home, the room smelled like him, the pillows smell like him, I can see where he moved things around and used them.

But you can't put something back together if some of the pieces are missing.

I can't do this. I think there comes a point where you realize that even if your wishes are possible, they're impossible.

My fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation.

2010-06-18T16:01:00.000-07:00

He came back, apologized, and kissed me. Just like I'd been wishing.

He came back, and the whole world tipped over.

I don't know what to think, feel, believe, or do.

He actually came back...

They paved paradise, put up a parking lot.

2010-06-12T13:51:00.000-07:00

There go my best friends.

It's hard to be positive when all I wanna do is crawl under the covers and cry about how badly things have gone.

With all this fever in my mind, I could aim for your kerosene eyes. You're just a target in the sky.

2010-06-09T12:23:00.000-07:00

Inhale, exhale, and repeat.

Things will be fine. Just wait.

I loved too many, now heaven's closed its gates.

2010-06-06T01:00:00.000-07:00

Don't eat much, don't sleep much, no sex drive.

I'm no longer living.

This is the starting of my greatest fear.

2010-05-27T21:43:00.000-07:00

Felt a little okay, so I put on the necklace he gave me because my outfit needed jewelry, and I still love sparrows. Not too long after, I felt like I was choking. I had to take it off and throw it in the bag hidden in my closet which seems to get fuller every week.

...Why don't I feel any better?

Every breath just hurts. Every thought of him makes me not want to take another breath. Especially at night. I lay there and think, how am I going to be able to get out of bed in the morning? Then I do, and I throw on a smile, and I act like things are fine, and for a moment I believe it. But then it's dark out again, and I come back into an empty room.

I'm miserable. I don't want anyone to touch me, even though he's moved on and continued to try to hurt me with lies that anyone could see through. I don't see possibility with anyone else, except for the soldier. When I talk to him, things start to clear up, and I start to know, actually know, that I'll be okay.

But old habits die hard. He acts the same way, I act the same way. Fear of crashing again takes over. It's doomed before it even begins.

I just don't know how to go on anymore. I can't fix anything. And my chest hurts so much.

Abandon ship before it's too late.

2010-05-20T22:13:00.000-07:00

I feel a little safer. You'll never find me here.

I can't bring myself to throw away that little bag of your stuff hidden in my new closet.

Lately my body's been more tired than my head will allow.

My moon, my man, so changeable & such a loveable lamb to me.

2010-05-17T00:15:00.000-07:00

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."

Lies lies, everywhere, lies. Why bother? No one's fooling anyone. I feel sick with hatred for men.

You, you take pathetic attempts to push me over the edge with a bunch of bullshit that you can hardly fool anyone else with, let alone yourself. You're nothing but a scared, pathetic, lonely little boy who acts like a teenage girl. You get off on making me miserable. Keep trying to tell yourself you're happy. In a few months, the same problems will occur, because the problem is you. You're a monster. And you deserved to get hit, not me. Keep lying, but we both know the truth.

And you, must you continue to disappoint me? I don't even know why I continue to hold onto that little shred of hope for what could happen when you come home. I want you to show affection for me, on your own. I want you to tell me the truth, even when I won't like it. I want you to not turn out like all the others. Why'd you even come back around?

I know my expectations of you are unfair and ridiculous, however.

I'm giving up on looking, that's when you find it. For now I'm fixing myself. If he comes home and things are good, great. Otherwise, I'm not wearing myself out looking for someone else or getting my hopes up for him.

Does it matter if I can't clear my mind? There's a right & a wrong time.

2010-05-11T18:08:00.001-07:00

I have this theory. The number of months that you were with him, that's the number of weeks it takes to recover.

Two more weeks.

I guess I let him in because I'd hoped he'd apologize, explain why he'd become so mean, be sweet again, and things would be fine.

But come on, this isn't a fairy tale. He yelled, I hit, he shoved. There's something else out there for me... I think.

Sometimes believing that is all that keeps me alive.

But if you've got time anyway, why not watch me hurt? Nothing is sweeter than needed revenge.

2010-05-09T23:40:00.000-07:00

Shaking. I reacted without thinking. Nothing I could have ever said could have hurt him nearly as much as he's hurt me, so I swung. After that nothing mattered.

This is a mess. I'm washing my hands clean of you.

I've been falling from the plan. Do I keep my head high or keep my head low?

2010-05-06T23:47:00.001-07:00

All I want is my book. It's something important to me, and I just want it back, and I want to never have a reason to talk to him again.

When I try, he takes low blows, and I know none of it is true, but,

it's like he's taking that little cruel voice inside of me, the one that tells me I'm not worth anything, and that I'm horrible, and not cared about, and amplifying it.

In my weakest moments, when I'm sitting at home in a room alone, thinking about what went wrong, it breaks me a little.

I don't wanna care about him anymore. I want to know how it feels to have someone care about me, so much that they could never say anything like what he's said to me, no matter how much they hate me.

This mask that I wear around work and friends and family is becoming too heavy. Not drugs, not alcohol, not men can keep it on.

http://365project.org/faithinboots/365

That boy is a monster.

2010-05-06T00:49:00.001-07:00

I had a nightmare. It was exactly what happened with Nathan, only instead of Nathan dying, it was him. I walked around all day terrified.

I don't wanna care about him anymore. I don't wanna think about how little he or anyone cares about me anymore. I just want it all to stop. I just want him to stop.

I wanna be healed and happy and hopeful again. An old opportunity's presented itself, and I just don't want it to go away again.

It's the quiet moments that get me.

Take back the promises you made & break free from all the things you've left behind.

2010-04-28T23:48:00.001-07:00

When you were being mean, it felt like you may as well have been kicking the crap out of me. Now that you're gone, it still does.

Just get it done, get it over with, let me go.

Lesson learned. If you're like this, I want to move on. It's what you wanted, right?

You're not coming back, & I need you.

2010-04-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

I resent this weekend. I resent waking up without you next to me for the first sunday in months. I resent the things that you gave me and the things that you left here that I seem to keep bumping into. I resent having to walk home alone scared in the dark tonight because I know you won't answer the phone. I resent the next couple of months where I'll have nothing to do without you here. I resent my mother for telling me you'll be back and to get over it. I resent my friends for not being there at all. I resent everyone who is happy, going on with their normal happy everyday lives. But most of all, I resent myself. I resent myself for always doing the wrong thing and putting myself in a position where you went away and no one cares about me enough to hear me, screaming for help.

I want nothing more than to wake up with my head on your chest, for you to put your hand on my cheek, run it through my hair, kiss my forehead and say, "Good morning, beautiful."

Now who am I? What am I to do with myself?

Please, still love me. Please, talk it out with me. Please, come back.

You really got a hold on me.

2010-04-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes your words leave bruises that no one can see.

...I feel a little alone.

Fools in love, are there any creatures more pathetic?

2010-03-30T22:26:00.000-07:00

We're two spiral galaxies colliding, tearing each other apart with our arms. You're more massive. As you rip me to shreds, my supernovas and asteroids and planets get slowly swallowed into your black hole, until the only thing left of me is dark matter. Dark matter and you, more massive than before.

Only on some nights though...

Don't you let me go tonight.

2010-02-21T19:25:00.000-08:00

When I'm crying, when I can't breathe, when I'm freaking out,

I need you to hold me. Just know that and do it, regardless of how angry you are.

I built you a home in my heart with rotten wood, it decayed from the start.

2010-02-16T22:04:00.000-08:00

Don't get in my head. Everyone can see it.

I'm just gonna continue living things the way they are, the way I want to be living them.

Still, thinking too much is my tragic flaw.

& For you I keep my legs apart, & forget about my tainted heart.

2010-02-08T01:25:00.000-08:00

My own dad isn't talking to me, a new kind of heartbreak.

School's too much. Work's a pain. Friends fall short. Finances are low.

But you lay next to me, on your side, propped up on one arm, and you reach your hand out, and our fingers melt into each other so nicely. Your arms mesh into my skin, and I feel at peace knowing you're there, waiting for me to drift off before you close your eyes. Suddenly my mattress feels ten times larger.

And should I wake up, you arise to rescue me. You make sure my feet never hit the ground.

Then the thoughts set in, "I'm no princess. Nothing gold can stay. What if I'm a monster?"

There are some problems that just don't have solutions. I can't always be rescued, because sometimes it just isn't possible. There are still things that will haunt me, and I cannot be protected.

Where does the anxiety go when it leaves?

Hello, world. I'm your wild girl. I'm your cherry bomb.

2010-01-26T11:41:00.000-08:00

You know, I stuck through high school, because the whole time people were telling me, "College is better. Get through this, in college, it's better."

I'm here now. It's not better.

We are like those two mirrors, steaming in the rain.

2010-01-09T21:46:00.000-08:00

No one ever really writes when they're happy.

There's something there for me. I'll be yours.

What if I fall further than you?

2010-01-07T20:37:00.000-08:00

He's good for me.

I feel safe again. I like the way he looks at me. I don't want that to go away.

Maybe I finally did the right thing.

I am the passenger. I stay under glass.

2009-12-30T15:23:00.000-08:00

You may think I'm stupid, but I can spot a lie. Especially a bad one, easily.

I know what I want. And I know it won't happen because of who you are. I'm fine. You're not.

I know that it's your soul, but could you bottle it up?

2009-12-22T20:48:00.001-08:00

Well, there is just nothing like a good old holidays anxiety attack to remind you of how heartbroken you were pretending not to be and trying to forget that you were.

Fuck.

I am giving up on greener grasses. I'm giving up.

2009-12-18T03:49:00.001-08:00

Somewhere between men using me to get off, men disappearing, men trying to convince me to leave town to live with them, men swearing up and down that they care about me, men chewing me out for seeing other men, men ignoring me, men smothering me, men hurting me, men telling me I'm better than their girlfriends, men standing me up, men walking away before ever having met me, and then some,

I've had really, enough.

You have no right to get mad at me. I have a right to be hurt, and I have a right to be furious. I belong to no one, and that was your choice. If you wanted me, if you really wanted me, you'd prove it.

I wish I could find just the right couple of words out of everything going on in my head to say to you. Bottom line is, I care about you, and I'm willing to give to you, only if it's requited. But if you can't man the hell up, tell me you want me, and make me feel it, then you've lost.

I can't breathe. So many paths to choose from, and all I want to do is throw some punches and give in, alone.

& Your words float like dandelions, every other way. I can't keep listening to what you say.

2009-12-15T04:39:00.000-08:00

The rare and really special thing about me, is that no matter how many times I fall with nothing there to break it, I limp around with my chin up.

I still believe in romance. I still believe in people with good hearts. I still believe in fate and love and karma and magic.

I'll keep my guard up. My heart isn't going anywhere near my sleeve this time.

But maybe, just maybe...

He's not talking, he's just walking, like them city boys from New York.

2009-12-13T04:09:00.000-08:00

Briefly, for a very fast moment, I get a glimpse of who I was before you fell into my life. Not happy, not heartbroken, just content.

That's why I do it. And we're both too stubborn to try to understand each other.

All I know is I want nothing, not a damn thing in the world, than to feel the way you made me feel again. As pathetic and sad as it is, as much as I know now that you are not to be trusted, as unsure as I am about whether or not you would care at all if I were to suddenly cease to exist tomorrow, I want you again, Soldier.

But I'd rather live the way I'm living now than wait around to see if you'll take it all back and feel that kind of hurt when you won't.

Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again.

2009-12-02T23:51:00.000-08:00

I don't care if it means I'm doomed to wind up alone for my entire life.

I refuse to settle for anything less than what I want to fall in love with. I won't dare settle for anything less than how I felt a couple of weeks ago.

And if I never see that again, well, I guess I have no reason to exist, then, do I?

It'd just be so much easier if I had all the right words. If he could turn around.

This is all so ridiculous. I shouldn't have gotten so smitten with a fallacy.

You're the nicest thing I've ever seen & I wish we could see if we could be something.

2009-11-30T13:34:00.001-08:00

I don't wanna think about you if you're not in my life.

Not when I'm dreaming, not when I'm awake,

and not when I'm under a completely gorgeous stranger.

Pain, pain, and more pain. This is so twisted and pathetic and fucked up.

On the floor at the great divide with my shirt tucked in & my shoes untied, I am crying in the bathroom.

2009-11-28T00:27:00.000-08:00

I had a horrible dream about him last night.

He was here, and he was perfect.

It's hard enough to avoid him online, when he's always cold to me, if he's raiding my dreams now, being exactly what I want, I'm fucked. Nowhere is safe.

Please, please, please be different in 30 days.

It's not so hopeless when someone's hoping you never leave.

2009-11-27T00:56:00.000-08:00

Days are rough and painful when they always seem to end with the question,

"Why go on?"

But I do. It's like someone's dragging my bare back against asphalt.

I'm tired of privates driving, need a general that ain't weak.

2009-11-25T22:12:00.000-08:00

A list of things I'm thankful for:

Beer.

Stomach ulcer weight loss.

More beer.

Slightly attractive jobless loser guys who will probably never talk to me again after I give into them constantly coming at me and making me feel pretty.

More beer.

I'm not gonna go on the "I wish..." rant anymore. I'll just say, I'd be lying if I said I didn't still feel a significant amount of pain in my chest whenever I inevitably think about this guy I'd never even met, and how he's telling someone a lot prettier than me all the stuff that used to make me melt. I'd be lying if I said I thought I was better off and I didn't miss him.

It was the classic young soldier overseas/lonely student girl love story. Who wouldn't have been sucked into it?

It's been a hard day, a harder night. The rock star's girlfriend, she lost the fight.

2009-11-23T01:10:00.000-08:00

I think I'm broken. I need a rescue.

I try to get better. I get to a point where I know, I just know, I'll be okay. I even feel normal again.

Then I get this feeling like I've been kicked in the stomach with a steel toed boot. And I don't know how much longer I can carry on in a world where I get a new kick every day.

I just want to go to a room with a bed, not this one, because there are blank spaces where his pictures were, and every time I roll over and see it, it's like 20 boots to the stomach, but a room with a bed and lay down, and sleep, and never get up. Because I know what kind of people are beyond the door to that room. No matter how hard I try to see the good in everything, no matter how good I try to be, I am disappointed.

I'm not this worked up about him. I'm this worked up about the bigger picture.

All of a sudden all these men who are the kind of men I despise just from looking at them show up to bug me and feed off of me. I'm too tired to tell them to back off. If they could just leave me alone, and if he could just disappear, I'd get over this just fine. But that's not the case, and I wish at least five million times a day that he would just hit a rewind button and make things the way they were. Easy as that.

...Never gonna happen.